Health Post 6: I Dropped Her Off Today

I'm back with a quick update on all the things!

Its been 5 months since I’ve last shared. Truthfully, I had planned on blogging every appointment, treatment, good and bad day in order to take you all along with me on this journey of invisible illness. However, I underestimated the fact that after each and every new thing we tried, I would be so fatigued mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically that I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it. In fact, I’m still in the thick of it that even writing this is hard.

I thought that when we got the diagnosis, there would also be a cure to go along with it. I was wrong. Instead, I was welcomed to a world where conventional/ western medicine doesn’t know about, let alone treat, environmentally acquired illness. In fact, they even go out of their way to deny lab and test results and gaslight patients. I wouldn’t have believed it myself it weren’t for my own experience, along with the thousands of others I have met online through social media.

Through Instagram, I found that while there is no cure- there is hope. Many individuals like myself have been able to put it into remission by reducing their toxic load while simultaneously strengthening the body’s innate ability to heal. These women were claiming they were as sick as me or even sicker, and they are now healthy, happy, and thriving- leading other women to do the same. How, you ask? Well, that’s what I’ve been trying to figure out the last five months.

After receiving the news that my lab results came back positive for Lyme disease, borrelia, tick borne relapsing fever, 5 strains of bartonella (the most she’s ever seen in a patient in 25 years of practice), cytomegalovirus, and mycoplasma I about lost my mind. I sold my house, got rid of all our belongings, packed a suitcase, and flew across the country to find the best doctors and treatment centers I could find. Chronic Lyme disease is not to be messed with.

I spent time on the East Coast learning about my Lyme diagnosis. My doctors in Seattle advised me to get out of the moldy Pacific Northwest (I was experiencing symptoms of toxic mold exposure, too) and get some sun. Something I learned was that 25% of humans are more susceptible to mold illness because of their inability to properly detoxify mold and mycotoxins. It doesn’t help that 50-70% of buildings in the US are estimated to be water- damaged. I didn’t put it together that while the East Coast had sunny beautiful beaches and some family to help us out, it was also very very old and outdated and wet. Nearly every single building I walked into or air bnb I slept in had previous history of leaks and water damage. I mean, it only takes 24 hours for mold to grow, how many times have people had leaks or moisture in their house without them knowing? Exactly. Add ponds, wetlands, storms, snow, rain, and basements… I fled mold and moved to more mold, and now, more ticks. (Ticks carry Lyme disease and numerous deadly co infections.) Unbelievable isn’t it? I feel like I’m in an alternate reality. But this is my every day.

I’ll tell you more about my summer over there and the doctors and therapies and supps I tried. I want to publish a book about it all actually. But for now, I’m sitting here writing because I just dropped my eldest off to first grade. *cue tears*

August 2020— Two years ago, I was a pregnant mom of two, vomiting all day and night, due to an awful condition called Hyperemesis Gravidium. I was sick, I was lonely, I was worried, I was afraid, and I was on all sorts of medications to control the extreme nausea and vomiting I was experiencing. Many nights were spent on the bathroom floor near the toilet or in the hospital getting IVs due to dehydration. I thought that I would just have to wait it out until my due date, January 21, 2021, then it would all be over and I’d go back to “normal.” So I hung on and pushed through like my life depended on it, because it did, TWO lives depended on it.

August 2021—One year ago, I was a mom of three, standing on a beach near the Olympic National Forest, grieving the loss of our fourth baby. I was still experiencing nausea and vomiting, but now I had a whole list of symptoms that seemed to develop over time as well. I couldn’t sleep, lost an unhealthy amount of weight, sickness and grief snaked its way to all members of my family and I was struggling to survive each moment of every day. As I was crying on the beach wondering what the point of all this was, I looked up. There it was. A giant rainbow, end to end, on the beach. I’ve never seen such a thing in my life.

August 2022- Today, I woke up early, got dressed, made breakfast and lunch, packed her backpack, drove her to school, dropped her off in the classroom and waved goodbye. My firstborn. We’re in a new state, a new house, a new school, a fresh clean slate. This would have been IMPOSSIBLE to envision last year or even just a few weeks ago. But today, it happened. I’m eating better now, I’m sleeping better now, and I have the strength to do those things today. Am I in bed, crying, fatigued, overwhelmed and sick right now wondering how I’m going to get through the rest of the day, week, month and life feeling this terrible and exhausted? Absolutely yes. Could I have done any ONE of those things or imagined being here able to do those things just a few months ago? Absolutely not.

It’s jarring to look back on my life and see where I was just a few months ago, all the things that happened last year, and how my health unfolded in 2020. It’s a lot. Whenever I think or look back at it, I go into fight or flight just reliving it.

So today, I choose gratefulness and gratitude. One foot in front of the other. Celebrating that I am in fact alive and strong enough to face another day. My dear friend reminded me today that is a miracle I am here and that these are steps in the right direction. She’s absolutely right.

“What do I do now?” I tearfully text her after drop off. “Heal, rest, pray, cry.”

And I did.

My husband held me as I cried ugly tears all over his button up. “Are you crying cause you’re sick or cause you’re tired? Or is it cause you’re tired of being sick?”

he hit the nail on the head.

More than two years later I’m still sick. I’m tired of calculating every move I make. I’m tired of feeling debilitating symptoms if I don’t calculate every move I make. I’m tired of everyone not seeing the hours or days of prep it takes for me to go out and do a routine activity or errand. I’m tired that people don’t see the aftereffects, the “hangover” you will, after I come home from going out. I’m tired of swallowing the pills, wondering what’s wrong and not working and how much more money it’s going to cost me to heal, if I even heal. I’m tired of the smell of someone’s laundry detergent or body wash setting off my chemical sensitivities. I’m tired of walking into water damaged buildings only to feel dizzy, weak, and drugged afterwards. I’m tired of having conversations and being out of breath when talking. I’m tired of people not believing my illness and not caring for me the way I need. I’m tired of all of this being invisible, because maybe if it was visible people would be nicer to me. I’m tired of all the work and management it takes to heal, because I needed less on my plate as a mom of 3, not more. But I didn’t say all this. Instead, I just sobbed heavily on his shoulder until our toddler came in for a paintbrush to do art. Haha.

But here’s the thing. If I was healthy and strong today, chances are I would be working. I wouldn’t have gotten to drop her off. I wouldn’t have been able to focus my attention on her during her first day of school prep. I would’ve been caught up in my own world. I wouldn’t have been able to arrive at her classroom early, make a friend, take pictures, and sit and wait in the parking lot after. I wouldn’t get to wait at home all day until pickup. I wouldn’t get to take her out for ice cream after and learn all about her day. Nope, I would be busy, at work. I do see the silver lining, as hard as it may be.

This is not how I picture it, any of it. But maybe my plans weren’t good, maybe His are better.

*ding* a text from my friend comes in…

That’s amazing! Oh my gosh. God went before you!

I do believe He did friends. As lost as I am in this life and in this healing journey, I do believe He goes before us. And His plans for us are good.

I hope you are happy and encouraged friends. It’s always a treat to sit here and write to you all. I know it was a bit of a ramble, but better a ramble than a blank page. I hope to be back on here regularly as we get settled into this season of life.

How are you? What have I missed? What’s going on in your world? Hit “reply” and fill me in!

Thanks for reading, XO,

@thatmamawithapurpose