Health Post 3: things that happened in December

my updates for you: chronic + invisible illness during the pandemic

Jan 08, 2022

On December 1 my phone rang, “Hi, Alex? Do you have your test results or confirmation number? We called the company and they can’t seem to find it. We need this for your appointment tomorrow.”

This test kit? Ive been trying to get my hands on it since September.

Welcome to the pandemic. Jan 2022. Two years in.

This has been what’s its like to get care. My test kits get lost in the mail, there are no doctors or specialists available unless you’re severely ill, lab turnaround times are long, shortage of medical supplies, and the ER tells you you’re too complicated for them while you’re primary care doctor and her colleagues absolutely don’t know what to do with you. Your referrals keep getting buried under more critical patients and the waiting time to be seen is months out. Meanwhile, tick tock tick tock tick tock

I am still sick.

Phew.

I don’t know where to begin. Remember when I said we were waiting for a diagnosis? Well now we have one, well part of one, and my gut was right. It’s been right for a long time. Does it make it any easier to accept the diagnosis? Absolutely not. Yet theres power in knowing exactly what you’re battling versus fighting nothing and everything at the same time.

On December 2 my husband and I made that long drive to my doctors office in anticipation. We were hopeful, we were nervous, we were in absolute disbelief. This is our lives now? What in the world is going on. He parked a couple blocks down and we made our way. Except, I haven’t been eating, sleeping or doing much of anything really so that walk was hard for me. It was humbling. With every step I panted and shuffled. And with the chill in the PNW air, I was constantly shivering which didn’t help me catch my breath. That two block walk nearly took it out of me. My husband wrapped another jacket around me, my third, and guided me along the sidewalk. I just turned 28 but you wouldn’t have a clue based on how I looked.

I walk in. This is only my second visit here yet everybody knows me, knows who I am, has read my charts, and they have the best consulting on me. All of this should relieve me and it very much does, but at the same time, the question remains— why me?

Im not sure what to make of that day. It was a really big appointment. I read books, medical journals, podcasts leading up to this day. We waited all of November for it! It was an appointment that led to many more questions. It was good. It was unsettling. It was a way forward. The rest of the month went in a blur so I tried to remember it here:

On December 5 I contacted our realtor.

On December 11 our eldest daughter turned 6 and we had the best day. I was and am very grateful to make it to this day.

On December 17 I had a consult with another specialist and we tried a gentle treatment

On December 18 I experienced what we believed is a Herx reaction to the treatment and went to the ER. They didn’t know what to do with me and my symptoms so they bandaged me up (IV fluids, meds, bye) like they do every time I go in, and send me on my way. Now will you test me? I ask. This is not my first, not my second, not my third, not my fourth, and certainly not my last visit in this state. No. We will not test you, they say. “Your labs are clean. You’re fine! You’re heathy! What do you mean you throw up food? But did you take a pregnancy test?” (the amount of medical gas lighting I have received both whether I am unaware or aware it is happening to me is horrifying, while i’m in the EMERGENCY ROOM)

On December 24-25 we spent a lovely Christmas just us, together. It was lovely. Every milestone I make it to is just that much sweeter. We ate filipino food on Christmas Eve. I like that tradition.

On December 26-27 we packed up our stuff

On December 28 we are staying closer to the city for my doctors visits

On December 31 we had a lovely NYE snuggled up in bed, watching Encanto

Everyone wants to know, how are you? What’s going on?

Ding ding ding, tick tick tick, scroll scroll scroll….

But sometimes, not everyone needs to know what is going on.

Why are we so focused on what everyone else is doing?

What happens if you sit still?

Sometimes, in the seasons of self growth we need to be quiet, to tune in, to listen.

And lately, all I want is quiet and rest.

The cells know. The brain listens. The body speaks. Take some to listen to what its saying. I looked back on my years and did a quick jot.

It makes me want to sloooooow down.

2021, theres so much that happened. my favorite? third baby girl born this year

2020, im still processing you. you were a BEAST. invisible, chronic illness became my life

2019, you were a lot for me so I tried to get through it. beautycounter entered the picture, thailand honeymoon from 2017 happened, unexpected home renos took over

2018, i grew up a lot, i quit my 3rd job, i birthed our second baby naturally, i was living my “dream” as a stay at home mom

2017, i left home and our family moved to a new state, new job, new home

2016, i started a new job after leaving an unsafe work environment

2015, i started a new job after finding out we were pregnant, baby’s first christmas

2014, we fell in love, graduated with our teaching credentials, planned to travel and move to Korea to teach English together, plans changed

2013, my year of discovering health + wellness, TFT, paleo, sephora, friends, living, loving, exploring life

A lot has happened huh? Thanks for reading my brain dump today friend. Theres missing pieces here and there I’ll share along the way when I feel called to do so. For now, I feel that this is enough.

I’ll pop back on and update when I can and want =)

XO,

MWAP

That Mama With A Purpose

Health Post 3: things that happened in December

my updates for you: chronic + invisible illness during the pandemic